The Big Bang Theory: The Donor Dilemma
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Mrs. Latham has returned to Cal Tech to see what Leonard's been doing with her money - and MAYBE to see more of Leonard once again. She throws a party on her yacht where Sheldon, Raj, and Howard persuade Penny and Bernadette to tag along as bartenders. As the evening begins and the drinks start flowing, the madness slowly begins to unfold...
1. Chapter 1

_The Donor Dilemma Prologue J. Franklin  
_

**THE DONOR DILEMMA**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The cafeteria at Cal Tech. SHELDON, RAJ, and HOWARD are having lunch. LEONARD slowly walks up behind them with his lunch tray. He looks dazed.)_

SHELDON: - and that's simply a fact when it comes to the physical properties of dark matter. I don't see how I could make it any clearer.

RAJ: You could be less sarcastic.

HOWARD: If that's possible.

SHELDON: Maybe you could try getting a PhD. (Looks up at LEONARD) Leonard, would you care to join us? Or is dining while standing now your preferred method of food intake?

(_LEONARD sits down. He is still quiet.)_

HOWARD: Whoa. You look as though you've seen a ghost.

LEONARD: I wish I had.

RAJ: What happened?

LEONARD: I just ran into President Siebert.

SHELDON: Oh, that explains it. That man has all the creepiness of the undead and most of the mannerisms, too. (Pauses) If your appetite has become a casualty, let me know and I'll be glad to help you with those lima beans.

RAJ: So, what did happen?

LEONARD: He said that Mrs. Latham is coming back to the university this weekend and wants an update on our research.

SHELDON: Isn't she the same Mrs. Latham you slept with to get our funding?

LEONARD: (Slowly) Yep.

HOWARD: Well, alright! (Raises hand for high-five. LEONARD ignores him.)

SHELDON: I don't see what the problem is. So, this old biddy is coming back. Just give her the results of your research and see if she wants to make another donation.

LEONARD: I'm not sure - I think she's going to want me to make the donation.

SHELDON: What do you mean?

LEONARD: Well, Siebert's exact words were that she's having a party on her yacht this weekend and wants to (makes quotation marks with fingers) "get it straight from that young Dr. Hofstader."

HOWARD: (Snickers) I bet that's not the only thing she wants to get straight from Dr. Hofstader!

RAJ: Well, just tell her that you can't be there. Make something up!

LEONARD: I can't. Siebert already said he'd mentioned it to me and that I was looking forward to it.

HOWARD: (Swallowing food) Just how much is this biddy giving the university, anyway?

LEONARD: Let me put it this way: Siebert said there's talk of naming a building after her when they unveil the next master plan.

RAJ: I heard it was two buildings!

HOWARD: (Quietly) Ho-ly smokes. You better bring an extra box of condoms!

RAJ: Oh, please. Like she needs to worry about getting pregnant at her age!

LEONARD: Hey, can we focus here a minute? I can't do this! I'm dating Penny now!

RAJ: So? You think someone like Mrs. Latham is going to care that you're seeing a waitress? Trust me, I come from money, and those people don't take no for an answer!

SHELDON: I think I see what the problem is! Leonard is caught in a classic professional vs. personal dilemma. If he sleeps with Mrs. Latham again, it will jeopardize his relationship with Penny through his infidelity. But if he doesn't, then all funding may dry up for (Leans forward) not just his research but everyone else's as well!

HOWARD: Well, why don't you just tell Penny about this and see what she thinks? I'm sure she'll understand. She trusts you.

LEONARD: I can't. Lord only knows how she'd take it. You've seen her temper. (RAJ and HOWARD both sigh and lean back from the table.)

HOWARD: Well, hold on. (Thinks) I got it. You said she's having her gig out on the yacht, right?

LEONARD: Yeah. The entire research faculty is going to be there, too.

RAJ: That many people on one boat? (Whistles) She does have money!

HOWARD: Okay, I assume that this thing is going to be catered, right?

LEONARD: I guess so. I mean, all our earlier parties and receptions were.

HOWARD: Okay, so it's simple then. If the university is providing the catering, then all we need to do is have Bernadette volunteer to be one of the bartenders.

LEONARD: Bernadette knows how to tend bar?

HOWARD: No, but your girlfriend does.

LEONARD: I don't understand. What are you getting at?

HOWARD: Well, think of it this way. Bernadette passes herself off as a bartender. If she's in charge of the drinks, she can probably pick her own volunteer staff, right? So, she brings Penny along. Penny makes the drinks, Bernadette serves them, your girlfriend is there the whole time to keep an eye on you. You just make sure to spend all your time with her but give the old bat some face-to-face appreciation and then head out!

LEONARD: What if she wants a full oral presentation?

SHELDON: I think giving her that is what got you into this situation. (Everyone laughs except LEONARD.)

LEONARD: No, I mean, what if, you know, she wants a full run-down of all the research? You know, a complete schematic and report that spells out exactly how we've been spending her money? I can't just summarize that in some small talk at a cocktail party!

HOWARD: (Shaking his head) I can't believe I have to say this. She _doesn't care about your research_!

LEONARD: (Confused) But she's asked about it! I need to be able to say something!

HOWARD: (Sighs) Okay, let's face the statistical likelihoods here. On one hand, you've got the possibility that this cougar wants nothing more than to jump your bones all night long on her yacht; and on the other, you have the possibility – HOWEVER REMOTE - that sometime over the past couple of years she's SUDDENLY developed a complete fascination with particle physics research and really wants to spend lots and lots of time listening to you drone on and on endlessly about your mathematical computations that her funding has helped you develop.

SHELDON: (Thinks) Wait, I think I can answer this one!

RAJ: So can I!

LEONARD: (Clearly uncomfortable) And so can I…

HOWARD: Okay? So that settles it, then. I'll talk to Bernadette, you talk to Penny and just tell her it's an easy way to make some extra money, and everything'll be fine.

LEONARD: (Smiling) You know what? I think you're right! And besides, I should be able to do my research without having to stoop to being –

SHELDON (Cutting him off) A common street whore?

LEONARD: I was going to go with gigolo.

RAJ: What's the difference?

HOWARD: Women get to charge more.

LEONARD: Okay, I'll do it! (Rises to his feet.) Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better about this already! (Moves off.)

SHELDON: (To HOWARD) So, let me get this straight. You just talked Leonard into inviting his current girlfriend to tend bar at a party while one of his one-night stands who is THROWING that party tries to sink her claws into him all evening for another go?

HOWARD: (Smiling) Yep.

SHELDON: Well, pardon me, but I should think that this is just a recipe ripe for disaster!

HOWARD: (Glaring) You got anything better to do Saturday night?

SHELDON: (Thinks) You're right. This should be good.

(_Dissolve to: Opening credits)_

4


	2. Chapter 2

_The Donor Dilemma Act I J. Franklin  
_

**THE DONOR DILEMMA**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: It is evening on the lounge of a very expensive yacht. The room is filled with formally-dressed academics. Tables throughout the room are piled high with hors d'oeuvres as soft piano music plays in the background. The camera pans across the room and stops on RAJ, HOWARD, SHELDON, and LEONARD.)_

HOWARD: (Amazed) Tell me again why you didn't just marry this woman?

LEONARD: Please. She's old enough to be my grandmoth – my mother!

SHELDON: Speaking of which, isn't that your mother over there talking to President Siebert?

_(Camera cuts briefly to PRESIDENT SIEBERT and Howard's mother BEVERLY engaged in discussion.)_

LEONARD: Yep. So, here in just this room, I have a woman who professes to love me, a girlfriend who does love me, and a cougar who just wants to make love to me.

HOWARD: Way to go!

LEONARD: I need a drink.

SHELDON: Well, the bar is right over there. And I believe the second woman in your love list is tending bar right behind it.

_(Camera cuts briefly to PENNY mixing drinks behind the bar as BERNADETTE loads them onto a serving tray.)_

LEONARD: I'm going. Keep an eye out for Mrs. Latham.

RAJ: Have you figured out what you're going to say to her?

LEONARD: Yes, that I'm sick with the flu and possibly a venereal disease as well.

RAJ: Oh. Good call. (LEONARD moves off toward the bar.)

HOWARD: Well, do we follow loverboy or take our chances with his She-Wolf mother over there?

SHELDON: Oh, please. You don't think she's really going to try and psychoanalyze you and Koothrappali as homosexuals again?

RAJ: I am so sick and tired of this! I am not a homosexual!

_(BERNADETTE passes by with a tray of drinks.)_

BERNADETTE: Hi, Raj! Here's your grasshopper!

RAJ: Oh, thank you! (Takes sip.) Mmm, so fresh and minty! (_Looks at HOWARD and SHELDON._) Oh, shut up. (_Takes another sip_) Let's go talk to the She-Wolf.

_(Camera cuts to PENNY and LEONARD at the bar.)_

PENNY: Leonard, I cannot thank you enough for recommending me for this gig. This is really going to help a lot with my bills this month!

LEONARD: Oh, well, you're welcome!

PENNY: So, tell me again, what's this shindig for?

LEONARD: (Taken aback) Uhh…it's a fund- er, money-raising sort of…activity to…y'know, show appreciation for the faculty and all the work that's been done this year!

PENNY: Oh. So, in other words, a bunch of boring people discussing a lot of boring stuff that's only important to other boring people?

LEONARD: Pretty much. Um, could I get a beer?

PENNY: (Sarcastically) Whoa, slow down there, sailor! (_Reaches behind bar._) You're in luck! And the price is just one little kiss for your girlfriend! (_Closes eyes and puckers up.)_

LEONARD: (Looks around nervously and gives her a quick peck on the cheek.)

PENNY: What the hell was that?

LEONARD: Nothing! I ah, just don't want to do too much public display of affection. Work people and all that.

PENNY: Oh, I get it. (Pauses) Sorry!

LEONARD: No, that's really okay. Really. Um, I'm going to go ahead and move back out there. I have to go have lots of uncomfortable conversations!

PENNY: Let me guess? The president and the dean?

LEONARD: (Shakes his head) No, with my mother. (_Raises bottle_) Thanks for the beer! (_Moves away._)

(_Cut to: RAJ, HOWARD, SHELDON, and President SIEBERT are talking with LEONARD's mother BEVERLY.)_

BEVERLY: I'm just saying, Dr. Siebert, that if you really championed the diversity program as much as you say you do, Howard and Raj wouldn't be the only gay couple on the research staff.

HOWARD: We're not gay!

RAJ: I'm not gay, either! (Takes sip from grasshopper and realizes his pinkie finger is extended. Quickly covers it with his other hand.)

SIEBERT: And I assure you, they're not the only gay staff we have on the faculty!

BEVERLY: (To RAJ and HOWARD) We seem to go through this every time I visit. The two of you two are clearly overcompensating through overly aggressive heterosexual conduct to mask a true nature that is simply obvious to everyone around you.

HOWARD: Okay, that's it. I've had enough of this. My wife is actually one of the bartenders here tonight, and she's right over there. (Points off camera)

BEVERLY: I thought in our last discussion you made her out to be a scientist, Howard. (Shakes head) Really, if you're going to persist in this narrative, you've at least got to keep your story straight.

(_LEONARD arrives)_

BEVERLY: Oh, good, Leonard. I'm glad you're here.

LEONARD: Oh, really? Did I miss something?

BEVERLY: No, my drink's getting warm. Would you get me another diet soda please? (Hands him her glass.)

LEONARD: You want ME to be your waiter tonight? Is that what this has come to?

BEVERLY: Leonard, I'm deeply involved in a conversation with your president here while at the same time I'm trying to help Rajesh and Howard confront their repression. Surely as someone who is accomplished academically but who has had his own struggles with romance can sympathize with what I'm dealing with here.

LEONARD: (Sighs) You're right, mother. As usual, I was totally out of line. (Moves off)

BEVERLY: (Shakes head) Such a needy boy.

_(Cut to: Bar. PENNY is pouring drinks while BERNADETTE loads them onto her tray.)_

PENNY: I don't know about you, sister, but the tips I've been getting all night over here have been nothing short of amazing!

BERNADETTE: I know! Me, too! And all because people feel sorry for me for losing the top button on my blouse!

PENNY: (Looking around) I gotta say, this looks pretty much like what I expected.

BERNADETTE: (Pauses) You mean you expected something?

PENNY: Yeah. A bunch of stuffed suits holding their noses in the air and trying to sound all self-important.

BERNADETTE: Oh. Oh! Yes! That's right!

PENNY: (Looks at her quizzically) Okay, why? What's up?

BERNADETTE: What? Nothing's up! I just need to – to – to get these drink orders back out!

PENNY: Hold on there. (Reaches across bar and grabs Bernadette's blouse.)

BERNADETTE: Careful! I'm depending on this for tips!

PENNY: Yeah, well just hang on a second. What's going on?

BERNADETTE: Nothing! Nothing's going on! Nothing at all! And certainly nothing that I'm not telling you, because if I knew anything, I would tell you!

PENNY: (Squinting) You'd tell me what?

BERNADETTE: (Flustered) Um, uh…

PENNY: Spill it, sister!

BERNADETTE: Well, it's what Howard told me about Leonard and that woman!

PENNY: (Looks across room) You mean his mother? Oh, please. She's nutty as a fruitcake.

BERNADETTE: No, I meant – I mean –

PENNY: (Becoming suspicious) What? WHAT?

BERNADETTE: (Blurting) The-woman-Leonard-slept-with-to-get-money-for-the- department!

PENNY: (Eyes wide) WHAT?! She's HERE?!

BERNADETTE: You mean he didn't tell you?

PENNY: (Angry) No, as a matter of fact, he didn't! (_Begins scanning room_.) Which little hussy starlet wannabe nerd queen is it?

BERNADETTE: (Quietly) She's the hostess for tonight's event.

PENNY: _WHAT?!_

BERNADETTE: (Terrified) Okay, you have to PROMISE you won't tell Howard or Leonard or anybody else that I told you!

PENNY: (Livid) Oh, YOU have nothing to worry about. I just have a bone to pick with a certain Leonard Hofstadter when he returns.

_(LEONARD arrives to get his mother's drink.)_

LEONARD: Hi, Bernadette.

BERNADETTE: (Flustered) I don't know anything! I have to get these drink orders out! (Leaves)

PENNY: (Clenches jaw) So, are we having a nice time tonight?

LEONARD: No, she's being a total bitch again.

PENNY: Oh. Your mother, I presume

LEONARD: Of course. Who else would I be talking about?

PENNY: Oh, I don't know. (Begins filling glass with soda and ice.)

LEONARD: (Turns away from PENNY to look across the room at his mother) I tell you, sometimes I just wonder if she's capable of feeling anything at all.

PENNY: (Following gaze) Yeah. Me too. (_Picks up whiskey bottle_) She wanted a virgin soda, right?

LEONARD: (Not looking back) Yeah.

PENNY: Uh-huh. (Pours whiskey into drink and garnishes with lemon slice) Give her this and tell me what she thinks.

LEONARD: Huh? Okay, I will. Thanks. (Turns around) Oh, great. Here comes Mrs. Latham now. Gotta go!

PENNY: (Tight smile) Oh, you go, alright!

LEONARD: (Turns to look back at her as he moves off. He mouths, "Whaa?")

_(Cut to: MRS LATHAM talking with PRESIDENT SIEBERT, SHELDON. We see LEONARD giving BEVERLY her drink in the background.)_

SIEBERT: Mrs. Latham, I'm sure you remember Dr. Sheldon Cooper from your last visit?

MRS. LATHAM: Certainly. (Pauses) How's it hanging, Cooper?

SHELDON: Um, excuse me?

MRS. LATHAM: Oh, don't be so stiff. Relax! The whole purpose for bringing all of you out here this evening was so you could let your hair down – or whatever you physicist types do to unwind.

SIEBERT: And you remember the others on our faculty? Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz?

MRS. LATHAM: (To HOWARD) Mm, I don't quite remember you; but I do know you're not a doctor…

HOWARD: (Rolling eyes) Oh, for crying out loud! I am sick and tired of reminding people I've got a masters in engineering from MIT! I designed parts for the international space station! I'm an astronaut; and I've been to outer space!

MRS. LATHAM: Really? I heard you were a space plumber who wet himself on lift-off.

HOWARD: (Embarrassed) What? That – that wasn't me… (_RAJ whispers in his ear_) Shut up! The suit's waste disposal system wasn't working. That's all!

MRS. LATHAM: (To RAJ) Speaking of wetting himself, I do remember you. You're the one who practically made a puddle in front of me at our last party.

RAJ: I don't know what you're talking about. (Pauses) But right now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the loo. (_Whispers to HOWARD_)

HOWARD: (To RAJ) What? No, I won't go with you. People already think we're gay enough as it is!

(_BERNADETTE passes by_.)

BERNADETTE: Did you want another grasshopper, Raj? _(RAJ frantically shakes his head.)_

_(Cut to: LEONARD talking with BEVERLY)_

BEVERLY: So, tell me Leonard, are you still dating that young woman over there?

LEONARD: (Hesitant) Yes.

BEVERLY: Good. I'm glad to see she's begun to make something of herself. Bartending may not be much, but I'm sure it beats waitressing.

LEONARD: Mother…

BEVERLY: (Sips drink. Winces.) Yikes. (_Blinks_) What, dear?

LEONARD: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you could be a bit more…I don't know…sensitive to other people's feelings?

BEVERLY: And what purpose would that serve?

LEONARD: Well, for starters, it might help us relate better.

BEVERLY: I thought we already were relating better, Leonard. I told you about my divorce from your father, I've made sure to Skype you regularly, and now I'm being supportive of your relationship with a woman who has limited career prospects and who will in all likelihood depend on you for support after you impregnate her at some future point. I don't know how I could be more supportive!

LEONARD: (Sighs) Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking…

BEVERLY: (Takes another sip. Winces) Yikes. _(Thinks_) Leonard, I think you gave that young woman the wrong drink order.

LEONARD: No, I got you a soda just like you asked.

BEVERLY: Well, then I need to speak with her. If she's as bad at waitressing as she is at bartending, she's not going to last very long in either profession. Excuse me.

LEONARD: Mother –

BEVERLY: Don't be needy, Leonard. (Moves away)

_(Cut to: PENNY at the bar. MRS. LATHAM arrives.)_

MRS. LATHAM: Hello, dear. Can you please get me another martini?

PENNY: (Smiles) Certainly. (_Begins mixing drink_) So, how are you finding the party so far?

MRS. LATHAM: Oh, please. These things always bore the hell out of me.

PENNY: (Nodding) I know what you mean.

MRS. LATHAM: But it's fun to find ways to spend my late husband's money and know it's going for a good cause.

PENNY: (Realizing slowly) Your late husband's money?

MRS. LATHAM: Oh, yes, dear. He was loaded. If it hadn't been for him, I don't know what would have become of me. (Pauses) I probably would have been stuck in some dead-end profession like waitressing someplace…

PENNY: (Taken aback) I..see…

MRS. LATHAM: (Begins scanning room) Now, where's that little Dr. Hofstadter this evening?

PENNY: (Still more surprised) Leonard Hofstadter?

MRS. LATHAM: Yes, you know him?

PENNY: Um, as a matter of fact, I do!

MRS. LATHAM: Well, I need to find him. I'm funding his research, and I'd like to see what my money can get me. (_Pauses_) If you know what I mean.

PENNY: Um, yeah. I think I do! (Glares at her and begins over-pouring vodka into shaker.)

_(PRESIDENT SIEBERT appears)_

SIEBERT: Mrs. Latham? There you are. There are some other members of our faculty I'd like you to meet.

MRS. LATHAM: Oh, certainly! I'd love to. Let me just get my drink and I'll join you.

SIEBERT: Wonderful. This party is really going down well! (Moves off)

MRS. LATHAM: (Taking her drink from PENNY) Mmm. So will I later! (_Moves off. BEVERLY appears_.)

BEVERLY: Penny, dear.

PENNY: (Slightly nervous) Oh, hi, Beverly…

BEVERLY: I think you've made my drink a bit too strong…

PENNY: What? Oh, I'm sorry. Here, let me fix that. (Takes glass)

BEVERLY: (Turns to look back over the room) Thank you. I don't want what happened last time to happen again. You remember how I got when you and I both became inebriated at your former place of employment?

PENNY: (Smirks) Yes, I remember it well. Would you like something else?

BEVERLY: Oh, just some juice or something, dear.

PENNY: (Glaring) No problem. _(Opens schnapps bottle and begins pouring it into glass with orange juice. Keeps pouring.) _

BEVERLY: So, I understand you and my son are still dating?

PENNY: (Still pouring) Yep!

BEVERLY: (Back still turned) I do hope you are being patient with him.

PENNY : (Still pouring) Yep!

BEVERLY: He's just always been a needy child. And resentful. I don't know how many papers I published about him over the years. (Pauses) It's as if he didn't like me keeping his real name in any of them!

PENNY: (Still pouring) Well, he can be a handful!

BEVERLY: I know, but he is still sweet inside.

PENNY: (Finishes and stirs drink) Here, try this. It's a special we've imported from South America!

BEVERLY: Thank you, dear. (Takes drink and moves off. BERNADETTE appears)

BERNADETTE: How's it going?

PENNY: Oh, fine! Between my boyfriend not being honest with me about why he's here, his shrew mother getting in my face, and some shriveled cougar chasing after him, I'm doing just great!

BERNADETTE: Really?

PENNY: Yep. Doing just fine! (Swigs from vodka bottle)

_(Cut to commercial)_

10


	3. Chapter 3

_The Donor Dilemma Act II J. Franklin  
_

**THE DONOR DILEMMA**

**ACT II**

_(SCENE: The exterior deck of the yacht. Two young women are talking. Both are dressed in matching uniform miniskirts. Girl #1 is smoking and clearly distraught.)_

GIRL #1: I know, I know. But rent is due next week, and I don't know what we're going to do!

GIRL #2: Relax. We'll think of something. We always do!

(_A door opens behind them and RAJ steps out onto the deck with his latest grasshopper in hand.)_

GIRL #1: Don't look now, but I think our savior just arrived!

GIRL #2: (Turns to look) Oh, yes! I agree. Right with you!

_(Cut to: RAJ talking to himself.)_

RAJ: Okay, that was three grasshoppers, so you should be able to talk to women now! (Looks at girls) And one of them smokes! (_Pumps fist_) Remember what Howard said: Girls who smoke let you poke! (_Drains glass_) H-Hello, ladies!

GIRL #1: Well, hello there!

GIRL #2: Are you just going to stand all the way over there or are you going to come over here and join us looking up at the stars?

RAJ: (Looks up) Oh, I can come over there with you. _(Begins walking over.)_

GIRL #1: (To GIRL #2) Just like last time. Got it?

GIRL #2: Gotcha.

RAJ: Hello.

GIRL #1: Hel-lo! What's your name?

RAJ: Rajesh Koothrappali.

GIRL #1: Well, hello Rajesh Kooth – Koothra – Koopa – (Pauses and smiles) Hello, Rajesh! (_Takes puff_) Would you like a cigarette?

RAJ: No, thank you. I don't smoke.

GIRL #1: My name's Candi.

GIRL #2: (Slides up to CANDI) And I'm Bambi! (_Winks_)

RAJ: Oh. Oh! H-Hel-Hello!

BAMBI: Excuse me? (Bats eyes)

RAJ: Oh. I mean – I mean, nothing! I'm out of grasshoppers! (Raises empty glass) See?

CANDI: Oh. That's too bad.

BAMBI: Yeah. That's a shame.

RAJ: What do you girls do?

BAMBI: We work. For the catering company.

RAJ: Oh. That must be nice!

CANDI: Oh, it's okay. (Pauses) What do YOU do?

RAJ: I'm an astrophysicist!

CANDI: (Turns to BAMBI) Wow! A scientist! (_Turns back to RAJ_) I'll be you get paid pretty regularly!

RAJ: (Smiling) Yes. As a matter of fact, I just got paid today!

BAMBI: Really?

RAJ: Yes, really. Would you ladies like me to buy you a drink?

CANDI: (Looks at BAMBI) That would be wonderful, Rajesh!

BAMBI: Yes, we'd like that very much!

RAJ: It's no big deal. I know the bartender!

CANDI: (Taking him by one arm) Well, we definitely want to party with you!

BAMBI: (Taking other arm) Yes. We like partying with new friends!

RAJ: Oh, really? Well, in that case, let's go back inside! (They head indoors)

_(Dissolve to: Lower deck of yacht. HOWARD is complaining to BERNADETTE outside a restroom door.) _

HOWARD: I'm just so sick and tired of people always making fun of my master's degree! I've done more than any of those guys with their theoretical PhDs, but nobody respects me for any of it!

BERNADETTE: They're just jealous, Howie.

_(Off camera: BEVERLY shouts, "Shelly, boyyy!")_

BERNADETTE: What's that?

HOWARD: I don't know. That sounded like Leonard's mother!

_(SHELDON crashes around the corner. He looks terrified.) _

SHELDON: Howard! Bernadette! Please! You've got to hide me!

BERNADETTE: Why? What's going on?

SHELDON: Penny's been spiking Mrs. Hofstadter's drinks all night and now she's loaded!

HOWARD: So?

SHELDON: So? So, she's trying to come after me again!

_(Off camera: "Shelly, boyyy! Mama NEEDS HER SUGAR!")_

SHELDON: I gotta hide! _(Runs into restroom)_

BERNADETTE: Sheldon! Wait! That's the ladies' room –

_(Door opens. SHELDON comes flying back out, followed by angry WOMAN who slaps him.)_

WOMAN: Creep! (Moves off)

SHELDON: (Rubbing cheek) Owww!

HOWARD: (Shakes head) Yeah, it's not the same when they're not standing over you in leather doing it.

BERNADETTE: (Elbows him) Howard!

SHELDON: I gotta hide! (Runs back into restroom)

BERNADETTE: (To HOWARD) What are we going to do?

_(BEVERLY appears around the corner. She is disheveled, stumbling, and slurring her speech.) _

BEVERLY: SHELLY BOYYYY! (Pauses) Oh, hello. (Blinks) Have either of you seen Leonard's roommate Sheldon anywhere?

BERNADETTE: As a matter of fact, no –

HOWARD: (Cutting her off) Yes! He's waiting for you in the restroom!

BERNADETTE: (Eyes wide) Howard?!

BEVERLY: Really?

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) Oh, yes. He came down here just a few moments ago and said he was enjoying your little game of hide and seek, so he didn't want us to tell you. (Pauses) But hey, it's always been his fantasy to make it in the restroom on a boat, so…

BEVERLY: (Frowns) That's his fantasy?

HOWARD: What can we say? (Lowers voice) Sometimes the most brilliant ones have the dirtiest minds!

BERNADETTE: Howie, I really don't think –

BEVERLY: (Tosses hair) Well, if that's what the younger men are into these days, I guess I can certainly play along! (_Enters restroom_)

BERNADETTE: (Tugging Howard's sleeve) Howie! Let's get out of here!

HOWARD: (Refusing) No, wait. I want to see how this turns out –

BERNADETTE: NO! (Drags him around corner)

_(We see SHELDON trying to leave restroom. BEVERLY yanks him back and slams the door.)_

_(Cut to: LEONARD on deck alone in same place RAJ was earlier. He has a drink but is looking up at the night sky. MRS. LATHAM appears behind him.)_

MRS. LATHAM: (Quietly) Hello, Leonard.

LEONARD: (Jumps) Oh, hi, Mrs. Latham. I didn't hear you.

MRS. LATHAM: Oh, you've done more than hear me. You've been avoiding me like the plague all night!

LEONARD: Avoiding you? I wasn't avoiding you. I was just – just – trying to, you know, play things cool, that's all!

MRS. LATHAM: (Approaches him.) I see. Leonard, did I tell you the last time we were together what some of the advantages are to being an older woman?

LEONARD: Um, you sure showed me!

MRS. LATHAM: Yes, that's true. What we lose in flexibility we more than compensate for with experience. (Runs her hand through his hair.) But if I didn't know better, I'd say you were avoiding me for that young blond bartendress back there.

LEONARD: What? You mean Penny?

MRS. LATHAM: No, I mean President Siebert. Yes, Penny, if that's her name. Is she the one who gave you your venereal disease?

LEONARD: What? Oh, that. I don't have a venereal disease.

MRS. LATHAM: Then I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you're not suffering from the flu, either.

LEONARD: (Grimacing) Yeah. (Pauses) How did you figure all this out?

MRS. LATHAM: Well, the venereal part wasn't that difficult to figure out. Few scientists I've known have the social skills necessary to contract sexually transmitted diseases. (Pauses) Although I confess I do wonder about your friend Howard…

LEONARD: Yeah, he's kind of a special case.

MRS. LATHAM: But we're getting away from my reason for talking to you. What's wrong?

LEONARD: What makes you think anything's wrong?

MRS. LATHAM: Leonard, as I said, if you're an older woman, you know a lot of things. One of them is how to sense when two younger people are having problems with their feelings for one another.

LEONARD: You could tell that from how we've been acting?

MRS. LATHAM: Well, yes. (Pauses) That and the fact that she's been staring daggers at me all night and trying to give me alcohol poisoning. (_Pours martini overboard_) That's the third drink I've had to dump since the party started.

LEONARD: Wow. You know all this from experience?

MRS. LATHAM: No. (Nods toward glass she just emptied) _That_ I know from just being a woman. (Pauses) Well, that and having had a philandering husband – or several, in my case.

LEONARD: I'm sorry –

MRS. LATHAM: For what? From where I see it, you've done nothing wrong.

LEONARD: But I thought – I mean –

MRS. LATHAM: That I was going to try and seduce you again in order to give you more grant money?

LEONARD: (Sighs) Yes.

MRS. LATHAM: Leonard, there's no _quid pro quo_ here. I said I would fund your research, and I meant it. And I intend to go on doing that regardless of whether you sleep with me again.

LEONARD: (Brightening) Really?

MRS. LATHAM: Yes! (Pauses) Of course, any future adjustments to the funding may require us to revisit this part of the agreement. (Pauses) But for now, I'm happy to simply continue my donation if it will help you continue your work!

LEONARD: Wow. (Pauses) Thanks, Mrs. Latham!

MRS. LATHAM: Gloria, please. (Pauses) We're a little beyond the formalities by this point, don't you think?

LEONARD: Well, yeah.

(_Behind her: We see CANDI and BAMBI emerging from door. CANDI is carrying RAJ's clothes while BAMBI is counting money. They look at each other and nod before moving quietly off camera.)_

MRS. LATHAM: Now, run along. And if you're ever not tied down when I'm in town, let me know. (Pauses) Because I'll be glad to do it! (Winks)

LEONARD: You mean you want this to be kind of an on-call availability thing?

MRS. LATHAM: If that's what it's called these days. (Pauses) Didn't you enjoy yourself that last time?

LEONARD: Are you kidding? I could barely walk home!

MRS. LATHAM: Good. Then next time if you're available, I'll show you some of my other tricks.

LEONARD: (Pausing) You have…other…tricks?

MRS. LATHAM: I'm an older woman, Leonard. That means I've got YEARS of experience with things you have yet to even DREAM about!

LEONARD: (Thinks) Wow. I hadn't…thought of that…

MRS. LATHAM: (Touches his cheek) Well, think about it. But for now, go on back to your girlfriend and see if you can make things all right with her.

LEONARD: Thanks, Mrs. – I mean…thanks, Gloria.

MRS. LATHAM: You're welcome, Leonard. (Kisses him)

_(Behind them we see the door open. PENNY emerges and sees them kiss. She gasps.)_

LEONARD: (Hearing her gasp and seeing her) Penny!

PENNY: You son of a bitch! (Turns and runs back inside.)

LEONARD: No, wait! I can explain! It's not what you think! (Runs after her)

MRS. LATHAM: (Watching them go. Looks into empty glass as she twirls it in her hand.) Ah, youth! (_Pauses_) Makes you glad to be old, sometimes!

_(Dissolve to: Interior of yacht. HOWARD is talking with BERNADETTE.)_

HOWARD: I still say we should have stayed.

BERNADETTE: No! That would have been mean! Besides, Sheldon's probably in enough trouble now as it is – we don't need any more surprises tonight!

_(PENNY storms by in background followed by LEONARD)_

PENNY: I don't want to hear it, you rat bastard! Save your breath!

LEONARD: But I can explain!

HOWARD: (Turning to BERNADETTE) Leonard and Penny are fighting again. Well, that's certainly no surprise!

_(RAJ enters. He is delirious and wearing only his boxers.)_

BERNADETTE: Raj? What happened?

RAJ: Did you see two girls come through here?

BERNADETTE: The waitresses? Yes, we them going up on deck!

RAJ: I think they put something in my drink!

HOWARD: They drugged you?

RAJ: I don't know. All I know is that I suddenly (raises arms) feel FREE! (_Runs off_)

BERNADETTE: Come on! We have to help him.

HOWARD: Oh, sure. _Now_ you want to get involved…

_(Dissolve to: The lounge area of the yacht. Several staffers are clearing away tables and drinks. PENNY storms in and heads to the bar followed by LEONARD.)_

PENNY: I just hope when I have to sleep with somebody someday to land a part you'll be this understanding! (_Moves behind bar and begins cleaning, emptying pitchers, throwing away trash, etc._)

LEONARD: But I wasn't going to sleep with her!

PENNY: Sure, you weren't. Then what was that kiss for?

LEONARD: She kissed me!

PENNY: Oh, spare me, Leonard! (Picks up two unopened bottles of wine and heads to small storage cabinet.) Don't you think I've heard enough? (_Opens cabinet. The door blocks LEONARD's vision, but we see SHELDON hiding inside. He whispers "Sssh! I'm not here!" and pulls door closed. PENNY pauses_.) Um, okay. (_Replaces wine on bar_.)

LEONARD: That's why I wanted you here tonight!

PENNY: Why? Because otherwise you didn't think you could control yourself?

LEONARD: No, I was worried Mrs. Latham wouldn't. That's why I wanted you here. I didn't want to sleep with her again. (Shrugs) I even told her I had a venereal disease!

PENNY: (Pauses in mid-step) You don't, do you?

LEONARD: What? No!

PENNY: Okay, now I can go back to being mad at you!

LEONARD: But don't you see? I did all this to try and prevent any problems! I didn't want her coming on to me again! That's why I wanted you here as my girlfriend! It's why I made that story up and why I kept trying to find the right moment to tell you!

PENNY: Why didn't you just say something to me before we got here?

LEONARD: Because – you know, I was afraid you'd get all angry and…do…stuff.

PENNY: Like what?

LEONARD: I don't know. Like try and get everybody drunk or something. You know how you get when you're mad.

PENNY: Leonard – (_Stops. Behind LEONARD we see RAJ tiptoeing through the area in his boxers. He puts his fingers to his lips and makes a "Ssh!" motion to PENNY before departing on the other side_.) Umm…

LEONARD: What?

PENNY: Um…(Nervously picks up vodka bottle and checks proof. Sniffs contents.) Nothing!

LEONARD: What are you doing?

PENNY: I dunno. I just thought maybe I got some bottles mixed up or something. (Pauses) Well, okay, but why didn't you just tell that old bitch to get lost?

LEONARD: (Exasperated) Because her funding is also helping Raj and Sheldon's projects.

PENNY: (Wide eyed) What?

LEONARD: Yes! If I pissed her off, I was afraid she'd pull the funding from the university and Raj and Sheldon would also lose their jobs. But if I didn't find some way to avoid her, she'd hit on me. This just seemed to me like the safest bet. (Pauses) But somehow I still managed to screw everything up! (Puts head in his hands.)

PENNY: (Out of steam.) Oh, Leonard. (_Puts hand on his shoulder._) You didn't screw anything up. I just wish you'd said something sooner – the night's been fine, overall!

_(Behind her: BEVERLY appears. She is clearly intoxicated and stumbling badly. She makes the same "Ssh!" motion to PENNY before stumbling across the room and out the same exit recently used by RAJ.)_

LEONARD: You're telling me there would have been a right time to tell you a major donor was planning to hit on me at the next faculty event?

PENNY: (Watching BEVERLY go) Umm…

LEONARD: Well?

PENNY: Umm…what was the question?

LEONARD: I was just asking what would have been a good time for me to have brought up a delicate subject like that. What would have been a "good" time?

PENNY: (Still dazed) Oh. (Thinks) Oh! Well, yeah, I mean, it would've been awkward no matter what! But still, part of being together means being able to share things with one another, good or bad!

LEONARD: (Weak smile) So, does this mean I'm forgiven?

PENNY: Mm, not yet. You'll probably have to make it up to me later! (Kisses him on the cheek.)

LEONARD: (Smiling) Okay!

PENNY: Now, let me just finish cleaning up here –

_(The rear door flies open. HOWARD and BERNADETTE come rushing in.)_

HOWARD: Have you guys seen Koothrappali?

LEONARD: (Before PENNY can answer) No, what's going on?

BERNADETTE: He's running around in his underwear because he thinks he's been drugged!

LEONARD: Drugged?! Are you sure?

HOWARD: Either that or he's taken up streaking!

LEONARD: (Getting to his feet) When was the last time you saw him?

BERNADETTE: A few minutes ago. He was downstairs when Leonard's mom was chasing Sheldon.

LEONARD: (Aghast) What? My mother was chasing Sheldon?! Why?

PENNY: (Looks down at empty vodka bottle) Uh-oh…

HOWARD: Never mind that – we have to find Raj before he falls overboard or something! (_Moves toward exit. The door opens suddenly and we see RAJ standing there in his boxers, still dazed_.)

BERNADETTE: Raj?! Are you okay?

RAJ: (Shakes head) I don't know. First I felt free, and now I just feel strange…

HOWARD: What do you mean, "strange?"

RAJ: I don't know. Like I might pass out… (Faints. HOWARD catches him as he falls.)

HOWARD: Whoa! I got you!

(_The door opens again. BEVERLY is standing there. She sees HOWARD holding up a nearly-naked RAJ.)_

BEVERLY: Really, Howard? At some point this charade just gets tiresome, don't you think?

_(Cut to Commercial)_

12


	4. Chapter 4

_The Donor Dilemma Epilogue J. Franklin  
_

**THE DONOR DILEMMA**

**EPILOGUE**

_(SCENE: The interior of the guys' apartment. SHELDON is in his usual spot with his head back and an ice pack on it. HOWARD is next to him, stretched out with his feet on the coffee table and an identical ice pack on his head. LEONARD is on the other sofa and is also pressing one to his forehead.)_

SHELDON: I knew this would happen. My mother warned me about moving to the great heathen land of California. Now I've been drunk multiple times.

HOWARD: (Sighs) Sheldon, I would hardly call twice in the last four or five years multiple times.

SHELDON: It doesn't matter. It's more than once. I guess it's all downhill from here. (Leans back) Time to start hanging out in front of liquor stores and drinking beverages from paper bags. (_Sighs_) I blame Leonard's mother for this condition.

LEONARD: (Rubbing his head) Actually, right now, so do I. But in her defense, Penny was spiking everybody's drinks pretty hard last night.

SHELDON: Yes, I know. Another of the women in your life contributing to our misery. You're just a common denominator of trouble, aren't you, Leonard?

LEONARD: Yeah, that's me. I bring trouble wherever I go.

HOWARD: Well, now, hold on. (Sits up slightly) There was still some good from all this. You did manage to get Mrs. Latham to fund our research for two more years without sleeping with her.

LEONARD: True. (Thinks) And I managed to keep my relationship with Penny going - for once…

SHELDON: Yes, those both sound lovely; but neither does anything to ease the current throbbing in my head. I would submit that each of those are nothing more than pathetic attempts at feel-goods.

HOWARD: (Sighs) Whatever. Leonard didn't have to take one for the team this time, the rest of us still have jobs, so I'm counting it as a win. (_Sits back_.) And besides, on top of everything else, President Siebert said after this, none of us ever have to attend another fund raiser!

LEONARD: I think his exact words were that he never wanted to see us near another one again. There's a difference.

SHELDON: (Pauses) Yes, I suppose there is some relief in that. (_Turns to HOWARD_) But I still haven't forgiven you for telling his mother that I was in the ladies' room.

HOWARD: Well, when you start feeling better, you can run me down on my motor scooter. (Pauses) Oh, wait. I forgot. You can't. You still haven't learned how to drive.

LEONARD: Guys? Can we please just not fight about any of this right now? My head is killing me.

HOWARD: Mine, too.

SHELDON: Yes, my cranial area is suffering from localized throbbing as well.

HOWARD: Anybody know how Koothrappali is doing?

LEONARD: I'm not sure. I'll ask him. (Turns head toward back of sofa.) Hey, Raj? You doing okay down there?

(_We see RAJ's hand weakly appear up from behind the sofa where LEONARD is sitting. The hand makes a "so-so" gesture_.)

LEONARD: Well, just keep holding on to the floor for a little while longer. It should stop the ceiling from spinning eventually.

_(The hand makes an "OK" sign and slowly disappears.)_

LEONARD: (To SHELDON and HOWARD) See? Everything's going to be just fine.

_(We hear sound of RAJ regurgitating)_

LEONARD: Okay, almost fine…

_(End)_

2


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